Our story begins in mid1996, as a young man whom we shall refer to hence as Kieran Lefort, for that is his name got together with some fellow students to make a martial arts film as part of his National Diploma in Performing Arts not alf as posh as it sounds, I can tell you. And the people saw it and, lo, it stunk to high heaven.It was so bad that all of the Sifu Productions crew for that is what they saw fit to name their group were promptly assassinated by offended Kung Fu experts. All except Kieran.This was not because, as happens in all bad Kung Fu movies, one lone soul survives the massacre to either a recruit a roaming band of ninjas to help or b train really damn hard at some preposterous martial arts style in order to take revenge. No, Lefort was spared... because he hid like a big girl behind a bush until the shouty men in pyjamas went to the chippy for a postmassacre noshup.

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